Playmate 2003


		So, that was it. I had lost 2.5 billion isk and had gained self enlightenment, two worms and a dog. How? Well, let me tell you... I was about to announce Miss September when back at the plush Playboy publishing offices an executive assistant noticed that a stock of our diversified collection of original shipbuilding blueprints had gone missing. I had immediately alerted the staff to strip, not for the sake of finding the blueprints, but because that is just my knee-jerk reaction to when something simply goes wrong. While staring at the staff's jummbies and what-nots, I quickly contemplated what possible outcomes to an investigation could be. Certainly it could not have been my business partner of some 10 years... She was the only one with access, but she was in the far off reaches attempting to negotiate a Jovian to pose for a "medical interest" story regarding her implants to her nether regions. So, it could have been her. I had the staff get dressed and had internal security summon Concord police officials. They said that due to the workload of finishing their official donuts. Two weeks later, a rather dumpy looking woman showed up. At first I mistook her as a unemployable ex-bottle washer, but then it became clear that she was a failed chimney sweep. I was wrong; she was the chief of police. Clearly, I am not a good judge of character, but till this point I didn't have to be. "I have a issue to publish. I have had to halt magazine operations because the entire Playboy offices at this station are a crime scene. What do you have to say about this?" "Sorry for the poor customer service," she said. "What's the holdup, officer? The new tech level 2 donut machine not out of beta?" She disregarded my sarcastic comment and introduced herself has Officer Pann of the Concord High Command. I asked her what brings the top brass riff-raff out instead of the normal beat cop riff-raff. She explained the the outcry on behalf of the company by the general public was, unfortunately for her, to deafening to ignore and prevented her from getting the liposuction that her fat lard ass deserved. "Great" I said "let's get to it then. I got beautiful women to judge." She sauntered her disheveled self over to my elongated ebony table and poured a pile of papers out of a briefcase. Papers spewed over the table and she magically picked one out of the mess and held it up for my inspection. There, in black and white Concord stationary, the paper stated the fact that only two people had the needed rights to the hanger. Dora and myself. "Well, knowing that the results is impossible, what other options are there?" The fat toad shrugged. "Don't tell me," I said. "Sorry for the poor customer service." She nodded and left. The only option left was fraud. I immediately called in the staff and had another strip search performed while I thought. Meanwhile, I kept getting messages from some women named Desmonia. She looked like a wide-eyed brute from the Visiphone so I put off the return call till later. How did she get my personal number, anyhow? "Miss August, get me Dora on subspace" "Yes sir, right away sir... Dora on line two, sir." "Shag you, Miss August. Dora, the small cache of some of our original BP's we had at our Gal resort are missing and it is causing me to constantly disrobe the staff. You didn't borrow them, did you?" "No, here look..." she showed me inventory for all the stations. All the original BP counts were the same accept for at the Gal resort. With over 259 offices it was easy to keep our BPs out of general knowledge. "Well, Concord is sticking to the story that it was either you or me that stole them." "Yeah, but since when has Concord been worth their wait in fly doo?" she said. "Point taken. I'll keep you informed. You keep being your own sexy self." "Will do." It was looking more and more like a inventory error in the station's management routines. I mentioned the possibility to a fellow co-worker, she hesitated for a moment under the impression that I was at any moment going to ask her to disrobe, but then told me that she had a similar experience with her small ground vehicle BP. It had been stolen by someone ejecting it from her lab slot at the system management console on deck 12. Interesting. Had this happened to others? I told her to float the idea to the public to see if this was true. The response from our loyal readership was truly astounding. A good 20 percent had indeed had this happen! That was it! That had to be it. I immediately had Gazelle, my head of security, bring the beautiless Concord official back to my office before she could make out of the station. "What..." she said matter-of-factly. "It has been mentioned that there might be a problem with station inventory routines in the main computer. Have you checked into that?" "Can this wait till after lunch?" "But I just fed you lunch whilst you were here a half an hour ago." "That wasn't a lunch that was an appetizer." "Madam, that was a five course meal!" "Well, I am still hungry." I rolled my eyes and ordered the butler to serve yet another five course meal. "Don't feed you well at Concord, I see..." as I looked at her enormous girth. Being around beautiful women all day gives me a horrifying perspective on the world of the unappealing. A world that would make a man invent space travel just to leave. After Pann finished picking her teeth with her fingers, she jacked into the station inventory routines and did a check. Nothing turned up and she sent the request to Concord programming to investigate. At this moment my other line of questioning started showing signs of life. Gazelle walked in, bent down and whispered some disturbing information. "Officer, while your here, would you mind waddling over to Playboy storage?" When we finally got to storage I asked Officer Pann to see if she saw anything unusual. "The tampons on the floor of the blueprint storage lead all the way over to the lab bay." She waddled over to the lab bay. "Some one was definitely having a problem with their tampons." "Indeed." Gazalle and I eyed one another. There was only one person who was a member of Playboy and who consistently had problems putting in her tampon. I had Gazalle look up and show the Officer the security setting for the individual. They were clean. I had Gazalle check all security settings for all personnel. One noticeable exception, but it wasn't the person who had problems putting in her tampons........ it was her boyfriend. I had Gazelle bring up the security records showing the video tape of my turning off the rights for her boyfriend to have access. There was no other record of the security being switched. I asked Officer Pann to explain to me how it was possible for someone who didn't have rights to a hanger let his girlfriend get to the Blueprints? "This is a three donut problem" "Yeah, I bet it is. Officer, while you ponder this impossibility I have something to do. Gazalle, where are they...." Seated in my office behind my desk I awaited and relished the anticipation of the next few moments. Behind me where two large objects under a large sheet awaiting unveiling. Bursting through my door and rolling to the floor were two people followed by Gazalle. They were cuffed and whimpering like babies at the doctor's office. And that was more true then they knew... “Bzzzzzzzz!” “Yes, Ms. August?” “There is a woman out here and she is very insistent about seeing you.” “Well, who the Hades is she?” “She says her name is Ms. Nails and she is here about the Playmate of the Year layout.” “Yes, yes, well, I am a bit busy now, please have her leave her portfolio and tell her we will be getting back to her. I am busy giving people bad news” “Yes, sir” I signaled Gazalle to remove the blindfolds of the quaking former employees. “Rhiannan, Sexroxat, how kind of you both to drop in…” “Heff, you bastard, what is the meaning of this,” Rhia snarled with that bitchy quality that only the truly doomed have. “That tone in your voice could only come from a true man-hater,” I said. Feigned disbelief crossed her face, “I don’t know what you mean, Heff. I have had sex with you plenty of times…” “Yes, but having sex and loving it are two different things. You DO hate all men, don’t you?” “You’re crazy!” “I’m I? I knew, for example that Sorsha Loren and you had been having a lesbian relationship for quite some time now. Not that there is anything wrong with that.” “You’re quite mad! I love you Heff… I do, I really do….” “Really, I wonder? The video tapes are quite enjoyable to watch. And I appreciate the fact that in your signing up with Playboy Enterprises and accepting accommodations, you agreed to allow us to video you personal activities for use on our sub-space pay-per-view broadcast. Did you not read the fine print in your contract?” “Uhhhh…. Just because I have ANOTHER relationship with Sorsha, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you just as deeply. Really, it doesn’t!” “Yes, I know. Personally, I love several hundred women all the time. But I am not the man-hater that you are,” I turned to Sero who had been suspiciously quite the entire time… “I am not a man-hater, am I Sero? Why so quite? That Bimbo over there got your tongue? Gazelle, gave them both there hat….” “No, Heff, we can make a deal! Please!” she screamed. My eyebrows shot up, “Deal? Deal for what…” Gazelle put Brain Analyzers on both of them. There is was. An exact match. “What ghastly thing have you done to poor Sero? Don’t bother answering that, I checked the records. Sero died four months ago in some sort of freak dishwasher accident. His clone activated, but not without problems associated with a speech arrest.” She looked away, “I don’t follow.” I held up the brain charts that had been sitting on my desk. “This acute cerebral infarction can be seen to involve the left pre- central gyrus. Abnormally bright signal is seen here because of the presence of excess water which has a prolonged relaxation time. As tissue has become infarcted and edematous, the sulcus is no longer identifiable. Compare the infarcted side with the normal right side.” “What does that techno babble mean,” she said angrily? “You already know what it means, and Sero’s silence is deafening. What you didn’t know is that I took a first in brain chemistry at Calle. Against every law in the known universe, you put your mind into Sero’s clone before it was activated. What you didn’t count on was the difference in male and female brain makeup. Hence, certain problems both psychically and psychologically,” I stared at Rhia. I continued to hold her gaze,” Gazelle, would you be a dear and have a look at Sero’s crowned jewels…” Gazelle went over to the Sero imposter and looked down his shorts. She looked up in disgust as if she had just seen a dead rat. “The jewels have been mutilated.” “Egad, “I stated. “Have you no respect for the male form? You are a man-hater.” “You’ll never be able to prove this to Concord. They will laugh you right out of court, “ she said in that bitchy attitude. “Indeed, that is why we aren’t going through the courts on this one…” I walked over to the first of two large objects covered in sheets what Gazelle had rolled out from behind my desk. I placed my hand on the first. “Rhia, I had only to prove to myself that your plan was possible. This is the result of my experimentation. I never did like Sorsha anyway.” I pulled the first sheet back and there, in a cage was mutt. Not an entirely bad looking canine. “Bit of a dog, isn’t she?” “Nooooooo!”, Rhia screamed as she clenched her hands over her wailing eyes. Sero, her mind-clone did the same. “Oh, yes,” I looked at the flea-bitten mutt, “Doggie want a biscuit?” The human inside the dog looked at me with disgust, but ate the biscuit. “But wait, that’s not all, there’s more…” Both Rhia and Sero looked up and wiped away their tears. I put my hand on the second sheet the covered something a bit taller and larger. “You’ll really like this…” I unveiled the seconded sheet. There stood two humanoids in a clone vat. “Noooooooo!” Rhia screamed. “Yes,” I stated. “With the assistance of a subcontractor we were able to obtain your clones. Good clones too, the best money, MY MONEY, could buy you. After we discovered that you fenced them to that Jax Deckard of that corny organization named Legio Nocturnem Vexillum, which I am sure is another front for one of your mind transplants, I had them brought here.” “To…to…do what?” Rhiannan said. “I am glad you asked. Since I am a law-abiding citizen of the cosmos, I don’t see that anyone that has a clone should die. Hence, I have brought yours here.” “To what, imprison us?” “In a matter of speaking, s I said we will not be bring Concord into this. My I draw your attention to the petri dish next to each of the clones….” I took the lid off each of the dishes that lay next to each of the vat bound clones. “May I introduce the Melissopus latiferreanus – the FILBERT WORM.” “What are you going to do with that…” “Make you comfy, they will be the abode for your mind until your death. I just remove the data leads front your clone, here, and plug them in the data leads for your worm host, here. There all done.” “That’s impossible! You can’t do this! Help! Help!” Rhia pled. “Gazelle, are we ready?” She nodded at the clone control panel. I singled her to begin the transfer testing procedures. “I’ll do anything!” Rhia said. “Yes, you will. You will be the first living human in a worm shortly following by you in Sero’s body being the second. Ahhh, test complete.” I savored the moment. “Gazelle, please hand me my mother of pearl inlaid Whammo 360 carbine repeating zap pistol…” She handed it to me and even cocked it for me. “Thank you, Gazelle” “Bzzzzzzzzzz! “Yes, Ms. August!” “There is a woman out here and she is very insistent about seeing you.” “Well, who the Hades is she?” “She says her name is Ms. Jet Jagowrath and she is here about the Playmate of the year layout.” “Yes, yes, well, I am a bit busy now, please have her leave her portfolio and tell her we will be getting back to her. I am busy giving people bad news” “Yes, sir” Now, where was I…. “Heff, I have always love you, please spare me, SPARE ME!” Rhia screamed. “Ahh, I remember were I was. Dear Rhia, stop cowering like a Moo gate camper, at long last you get to be what you truly are… Can you say wriggle, wriggle?” With that I shot her, several times, in and about the head. Her headless corpse fell upon the floor, flopping down the way only a headless corpse does. The blue blinky light above her clone chamber flashed and a small buzzer sounded. Normally the clone would be writhering around at this point, but her clone lay still. The worm in the dish, however, was doing backflips! “I’ll just hook the Vocoder up to ye olde Rhia worm…” Static cracked over the Vocoder…” “Heff, I’ll get you for this!” The Rhia it ‘screamed’. “Put Sero on the block, Dear,” I motioned to Gazelle. She did so and re-cocked my Whammo zap gun. His head was blasted apart from the collarbone up. The sounds from his cloning machine started buzzing and, presto, new Sero/Rhia worm. I installed the Vocoder. “I’ll get you for this!” “That sounds familiar. I shall miss poor Sero’s true personality. But look, Rhia/Sero, I got you out of that damaged body, didn’t I,” I smiled. “You’ll never get way with this!” “Oh, but I have. You are now, both, the richest worms in the known universe. One last bit of discomfort, the downsizing of your ‘transformation’ cannot be upsized again. You will only be able to go into a clone of another worm. And with that I will be placing you back into your ships to sail about the universe in your ships, as the worms you are, for the rest of your stay in this life. Ta ta…” With that I motioned for Gazelle to wheel the two worms away. “Oh, Gazelle, please have this dog taken to the pound will you…” She smiled, “With pleasure, sir.” “So you see, Dora, that is what happened.” “What about the Concord thug?” she said. “The fat one?” I questioned. ‘Yeah.” “She is in the kitchen having her third ham sandwich. Not to worry.” “So, now that this unpleasantness is over, who is the new Playmate of the Year?” “We have quite a few beauties this time out, not sure yet.” “Who was it who helped us with the clones?” Dora asked. “Good thought, let’s get her on three way and give her thanks, shall we…” I rang up the Killer Clowns from Outer Space Corporation. “Yes may we please speak to Eversucks?” “Hahahaha, sure. What’s your business?” A disgruntled clown blurted out. “We had business with her and wanted to her a job well done.” “Hang on, she’s in the crapper. You know how a Dominatrix can be on the crapper. I’ll just tell her, ok?” “Very well, thanks.” I looked at Dora through the Visiphone and gave her a blank stare as to say WTF. “We have a lot of entries,” I said. “Any more backlogged and I’ll get sore just looking at them all.” Dora giggled in her intoxicating way. “We have to pick one, Heff. Vampira is looking sweet. I love her eyes…” “I am look favorably toward, Peggy Bundy of Mothers of Murder, she’s a killer. We have so many good entries I hope they all enter again in January.” “Bzzzzzzzzzz!” “Yes, Ms. August!” I said “There is a woman out here and she is very insistent about seeing you.” “Well, who the Hades is she?” “She says her name is Ms. Tryst Angelfire and she is here about the dog you left at the pound.” “Yes, yes, well, I am a bit busy now, please have her…what did you say?” “There is a women here about the dog you left at the pound” “Please show her in.” I looked at her from my chair, “Oh, my…” “What, Heff? “Dora said, “Let me see…” I turned the Visiphone so that Dora could take in the view of Ms. Angelfire” “Oh, my, indeed!” Dora stated. “I’ll talk to you later, Dora,” I whispered into the Visiphone before turning it off. “Ms. Angelfire, hello, my name is Heff of Playboy Enterprises. How can I help you?” “I know, I love your magazine. I’ve even entered to be a playmate a few times.” “Really, well there must have been some oversight that has prevented your picture from reaching my desk, you are the most ravishing creature I have every seen.” “Mr. Heff, I bet you say that to all the girls.” At that, I had sex with her. As I basked in the afterglow I quizzed her about the dog I got from the pound. It happened to be Sorsha. “After I picked it up from the pound t just kept pulling me here, I was wondering if you new who it belonged too? The people from the pound said that someone from Playboy dropped it off.” “Honest mistake I am sure. Say, you would make a beautiful Playmate of the Year…” Her eyes beamed. “Bzzzzzzzzzz!” “Yes, Ms. August!” I said “She can’t be the Playmate of the Year, Dora just picked one and we are already in print on it.” “Well, who the Hades is she? Never mind, Ms. August. Please have someone come in and escort Ms. Angelfire and her new dog to the infirmary for a brain wipe. The both of them” “Heff, Heff, wait, stop” Gazelle burst through the door and took her away. Pity, she looked lovely. With that, I present to you the 2003 Playmate of the Year Ms. Victoria Madison of the Center for Advanced Studies. Congratulations!